the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
