i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
tell your sister to shave her snatch
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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