and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
