How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
