I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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