I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
