dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
