i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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