my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
