dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
