Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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