cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
