don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize