she was so not down for the gang bang
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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