I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
