i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
