Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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