i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
