You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
