I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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