Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
