after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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