Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
