i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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