after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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