You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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