I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
