yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
