You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
