all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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