I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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