I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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