so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
