u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
