I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
