dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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