I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
