I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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