I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
