We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
