I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
