I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i love accidental penises.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
