Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
