so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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