Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
as a side note pls kill me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
