If i come over, it means nothing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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