I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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