I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
