Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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