these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
