I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
