meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
