I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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