I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
