I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
